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  • Oct. 8th, 2008 at 4:01 PM
black
 For your reading pleasure.

We wait to be saved
fail to save eachother
too weak to save ourselves

At 2am I'm
searching AM radio
not thinking of you

Our first and only
meal out was two days before 
you moved to Thailand

I will stay on hold
While your ex-girlfriend is there
to collect her things

I want to break you
You have no right to love me 
I am not worth it

Showering at night 
in Minnesota winters
not as cold as you

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Yay for being like everyone else : )

  • Sep. 30th, 2008 at 2:55 AM
black
 OK, so there are several people, and by several I mean 3 that I know of, doing the whole Haiku a day thing and while I usually avoid jumping on bandwagons as much as I can, I thought I'd write some since I'm the current Dirty Haiku Champion at several different venues here in the Twin Cities. I'm not going to post them everyday 'cause I don't have internet very often but know that I am filling a notebook full of dirty and not so dirty haiku. Here are some of my favorite non-dirty ones so far:

Pressed face-down against
the floor, thinking of you
Can't get any lower

To avoid dumping
our significant others,
let's fake our own deaths

She has everything
But treats it like it's nothing
And still I'm jealous

I never told you
I knew we were lost
I was enjoying the ride

Tags:

My way out

  • Apr. 12th, 2008 at 3:45 PM
black
 While visiting Detroit I often wondered if it was harder living there, constantly seeing signs for "Bridge to Canada." Wanting to leave, having a way out dangling in front of your face and not being able to take it. I think about how close I live to the airport, I drive by at least once a week. I'll stare at the runway and the departing planes and wish I could be on one of them. But even if I had the money for a ticket I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do once I got there. And then my melancholy worsens with the realization that even if I did leave I'd just end up coming home again.
Red

All Things Considered, February 11, 2008 · Author Eric G. Wilson has come to realize he was born to the blues, and he has made peace with his melancholy state.

But it took some time, as he writes in his new book, a polemic titled Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy.

At the behest of well-meaning friends, I have purchased books on how to be happy. I have tried to turn my chronic scowl into a bright smile. I have attempted to become more active, to get away from my dark house and away from my somber books and participate in the world of meaningful action. … I have contemplated getting a dog. I have started eating salads. I have tried to discipline myself in nodding knowingly. … I have undertaken yoga. I have stopped yoga and gone into tai chi. I have thought of going to psychiatrists and getting some drugs. I have quit all of this and then started again and then once more quit. Now I plan to stay quit. The road to hell is paved with happy plans.

Wilson has embraced his inner gloom, and he wishes more people would do the same.

The English professor at Wake Forest University wants to be clear that he is not "romanticizing" clinical depression and that he believes it is a serious condition that should be treated.

But he worries that today's cornucopia of antidepressants — used to treat even what he calls "mild to moderate sadness" — might make "sweet sorrow" a thing of the past.

"And if that happens, I wonder, what will the future hold? Will our culture become less vital? Will it become less creative?" he asks.

Wilson talks to Melissa Block about why the world needs melancholy — how it pushes people to think about their relation to the world in new ways and ultimately to relate to the world in a richer, deeper way.

He also explores the link between sadness, artistic creation and depression — which has led to suicide in many well-known cases: Virginia Woolf, Vincent Van Gogh, Hart Crane and Ernest Hemingway, for instance.

Wilson says perhaps this is "just part of the tragic nature of existence, that sometimes there's a great price to be paid for great works or beauty, for truth."

"We can look at the lives of Dylan Thomas, Virginia Woolf, Hart Crane and others and lament the fact that they suffered so. Yet at the same time, we're buoyed, we're overjoyed by the works they left behind," Wilson says.

The husband and father of a young daughter also acknowledges that melancholy is "difficult terrain to negotiate in domestic situations." He says there are certainly times when his family hoped he would be "happier," and yet they would not want him to pretend to feel something he doesn't.

Wilson says that by taking his melancholy seriously, his family ultimately will get to know him more deeply and develop a more intimate relationship with him.

"To get to know your partner, your spouse, your friend fully, you really have to find a way to embrace the dark as well as the light. Only then can you know that person," he says.

Tags:

poetry and football

  • Feb. 3rd, 2008 at 10:43 PM
Dance
 I posted a new poem on myspace and a friend of mine reposted it in her blog because she really liked it. I thought that was realy cool, I've never had anyone like my poem enough to repost it to share with their friends. It really meant a lot. 

I watched the superbowl tonight. I haven't watched a superbowl in years. Dave wrote a poem about the superbowl and figured we should have some kind of superbowl party because of it. So I made some taco dip and a bunch of us gathered at Keira's for food, football and commercials. Dave blogged about it in real time which was fun to watch, it's nice to have a record of our exciting event. 

I rooted for the Giants, I feel a connection with the underdog so I wanted them to win. And they did, it was quite an exciting 4th quarter. And I actually learned a bit about football. So it was a good time.

Jan. 30th, 2008

  • 12:51 PM
black
Last night we slammed to determine who would represent Minneapolis at WOWPS. I was dead last. Which is good I guess 'cause I like dead things.... only four of us showed up to slam which was kind of sad to see. I don't remember how many women qualified to compete, but I know it was a lot more than four. I did a new poem first round that I've been working on for awhile. It didn't go over very well. So after that I just did some fun poems for the hell of it. I dedicated my Abercrombie poem to Jenn then broke out my emo poem to end the night. I had a pretty good time. I was really excited to be one of the four women up there and I knew I had no shot at winning, but it's never fun to come in last. I could definitely use a little cheering up today. Yes, even emo kids need a break from being sad and mopey once in awhile.

That is the Question...

  • Dec. 6th, 2007 at 6:53 PM
Bleed
 To Quit:
-I hate my job and it stresses me out to the point of causing physical and emotional damage
-If I added everything right, my next paycheck will give me enough of a monetary cushion for the next couple months while I move and look for a new job
-The company I work for has questionable ethics, standards and goals
-I'm one of the few employees who cares about the customer more than my commission and that's a difficult environment to be in every day
-I'm working 6 days a week
-I need the time during the day to pack and set up interviews
-Driving so much in heavy snow is taking a huge toll on my car
-I'd get my life back

Or Not to Quit:
-There are only two weeks left before Xmas (which is when I assume I'd be let go), I don't want to be a quitter
-Another paycheck will mean even more of a monetary cushion and will give me the freedom to do fun things like travel or get my next tattoo
-The customers calling deserve to talk to at least one friendly and helpful person who isn't just after their money
-Being forced to drive in snow storms makes me more comfortable doing it and gives me experience in something that terrifies me
 

Nov. 13th, 2007

  • 11:51 PM
black
What' s wrong with me??

Claustraphobic

  • Oct. 23rd, 2007 at 5:49 PM
black
Yesterday a friend told me that I should just be happy that there's a light at the end of my tunnel because some people don't have a light, some people don't even have a tunnel. It's just that being in this tunnel fucking sucks.
black
It's nice to have money again. I forgot how nice simple things like going to see movies with friends can be. Before this weekend I really can't even remember the last movie I'd seen in theaters, I just couldn't afford it. But this weekend I saw Michael Clayton with Mandy up in Winnipeg and today I went out to see 30 Days of Night with Tegan, Sierra and Mike. Both were decent movies, not ones I would have seen on my own but I dug the vampire movie. Vampires are pretty cool. 

I also found one positive thing about my job... we sell footie pajamas. And I got me a pair today at a pretty nice discount : )

Canadian adventures

  • Oct. 16th, 2007 at 5:04 PM
David Usher
Got back from Winnipeg last night. I'm damn tired since I had to work this morning. Going on a really fun trip just makes my crappy job seem even more depressing. I was up in Winnipeg for the weekend for a David Usher concert and to meet up with my friend Mandy who's a David Usher fan from Edmonton. I had such an amazing time! I met up with Mandy at the airport and as we were leaving to go find the bus, we ran into Amy and Shannon, two fans from Toronto who had flown out for the show as well! It was really cool to meet people in person that you've known over the internet for years. We ended up sharing a cab to the hotel where we then met up with Mandy's friend, Stephanie who lives just outside of Winnipeg. Stephanie, Mandy and I hung out in the hotel until the show (Mandy and I taking an unproductive and laborious detour to try to find camera batteries). At the show we got front and center of the stage, where Shannon and Amy were already waiting of course : ) And I found Sharilyn and Mona, two more fans from Winnipeg. It was so fun to have all of his hardcore fans right in front. It was also nice to be surrounded by such a great energy. At the last show I went to I was by myself and I was the only one near where I was standing who knew all the songs or was getting super into the show. But this time we were all really into it and I think he really fed off that energy 'cause he put so much of himself into the show. The song selection was incredible, he played songs that I've never heard live and had an amazing cover of "Only You" by Yazoo. David's version was much better than the original in my opinion. I'm not sure I can really describe what seeing him perform live does to me. It is an indescribable experience, one you just have to feel for yourself I guess. If any of you have been a fan of someone whose music moves you and holds a great deal of importance in your life and have had the opportunity to see them perform live I think you'll understand. I really hope all of you get to experience this at least once in your life. 


I have pictures of my trip up at http://legacyofwaste.myphotoalbum.com if you want to see my adventures in picture form... which I know you do.

Livin' the dream life.

  • Oct. 7th, 2007 at 11:03 PM
Steps
 Tonight was a good night. Was at Dave's after driving his ass around town today. Had Jenn meet us over there after work 'cause Dave said he'd cook us dinner. The only problem was that there wasn't really anything to make in his fridge. His entire fridge and freezer included two boca burgers, a box of shrimp, orange dreamsicles, yogurt, cheese, pepperoni, a tube of biscuits, four eggs, milk, beer and some condiments. How would you make a delicious dinner for three you ask? Well, I made us what I like to call an egg bake, it's kind of like a quiche. I flattened one biscuit each in these ceramic dishes, then poured some eggs scrambled with milk over that, put in some diced boca burger and some cheese, baked it for 15 minutes and tah-dah, a delicious dinner was had. It made me happy. It made Jenn and Dave happy too : ) I really think I should get into the food service industry again, I just love making food. 

Somehow during dinner the idea of us going to the casino came up and we were like, hey, let's go to the casino! So we did. We took a little road trip down to Mystic Lake and gambled the night away. I blew $20 on the nickle slots pretty quickly, Jenn and Dave lasted pretty long on just a few bucks on the slots and then they went to go play black jack while I watched 'cause I was out of money : ) I did play video poker too for a bit but didn't do very well. I think Jenn came out $5 ahead at the end of the night. Dave and I were in the hole. I've never been to the casino (in MN) at night, or with friends (I usually go during the day with my family) so that was fun. It reminded me of Vegas in that I was in a casino at night with friends : ) 

Tonight is how I envision having really cool roommates would be. We'd make dinner together (or I'd make it with one of them kind of helping and the other watching) and then spontaneously decide to go do something fun and random. I want to move out and have cool roommates! Just a few more months of saving up paychecks and then off to find some cool people! : )

Hope is a funny thing.

  • Oct. 2nd, 2007 at 11:12 AM
black
This weekend was good. I feel good. That'll all probably end in about an hour when I head into work (I took the morning off) but for now, I'm enjoying life.  Friday and Saturday was the season two opener of Women Stand Up: A Comedy Cabaret at the Bryant Lake Bowl. Allison and I were invited to come do our poetry again and the stand-up comics were super funny. I had such a great time. Doing that show just really revitalizes my poetic energy. Everyone loved my work and it's nice to just perform my poetry and not be judged or scored. I did my new "Emo" piece and my Abercrombie piece and both went over really well. Allison and I did a dirty haiku battle as well and I won both nights : ) I don't care if Cynthia won this year's battle in St. Paul, I'm totally the dirty haiku champ : ) 

That energy carried over to Monday for the St. Paul slam. I made it to the third round, which I've only done I think one other time in St. Paul. I don't think I've ever gotten so many compliments before! It was weird but good, still not used to it. It restored my faith in slam. Every now and then I'll get this crazy idea about giving up slam, but then something really good happens and I'll have no idea why I had those crazy thoughts in the first place. And the features were amazing! Big Poppa E and Erin Livingston from Austin were here and they both rocked my socks off! They're really cool people and it was fun hanging out with them after the slam. Big Poppa E totally stole my cat poem though. We both have very similar poems about finding a mate who is like our cats. He did his during his feature set and Mike and I just looked at eachother like, holy shit, that's my/your poem! I think his was better than mine. I read him my version after the slam and it was really funny. And weird. But cool. Yay for fun poetry things. But now it's time to get ready for work. Boo. Get ready for me to be stressed and angry and bitter and cranky for the rest of the week. But let's party this weekend, ok? Ok.

Sep. 23rd, 2007

  • 4:44 PM
Bleed
 Working sucks. It's not that bad though. I finished up training this week at my new job and went to work on the phones on Saturday. It's really stressful right now 'cause I don't how to handle certain things and can't remember where to find things on the computer menus. I think I'm doing pretty good, I'm meeting most of my sales quotas and almost all the customers I've had have told me they enjoyed talking to me and that I was really nice and friendly and helpful. It's just so emotionally draining though, I'm not used to so much human interaction (or having to be that cheerful all the time), even if it is just over the phone. Friday and Saturday after working at the call center I headed straight over to the MN Music Festival to work the Liffey booth and sold fish and chips. That was really fun. I got paid to listen to cool music, eat free food and drink free beer. And I worked with really fun people, they made it quite enjoyable. My feet hurt so bad though. I forgot how physically taxing food service work is. I don't think I'll be working any more 12 or 15 hour days again any time soon. That was kind of a dumb decision, but I just really need money. And I'm pretty sure all my friends hate me right now for various reasons. It sucks 'cause I feel like my life can't ever go right. I finally had friends and a social life this past year but didn't have a job and was miserable and unbelievably depressed because I didn't have any money and couldn't support myself and had to take so much from the people around me which just made me feel like shit. And now I finally got a job, but it seems like everything else is falling apart. I was excited to move in with a friend who's moving to MN soon, but because of my job I might not be able to move in with her. I missed out on a couple important events that one of my friends was involved in and I think he's upset about that. Everything is so messed up. I just don't know what's going on anymore with anything. But anyway. This turned into more of a rant than I intended, I just wanted to let anyone who was interested know what's going on with my new job.

Tags:

What I'd be good at

  • Sep. 16th, 2007 at 1:00 PM
Chi wall
These are the jobs I would supposedly be best at. I actually dig most of these. #1,3 & 4 are actually things that I've wanted to do for a very long time. I think it was junior high that I really really wanted to be a costume or set designer. It's really funny how nothing with writing, or journalism or anything related to my major came up. Hmmm.

1.

Director of Photography

   

2.

Makeup Artist

   

3.

Set Designer

   

4.

Costume Designer

   

5.

Paleontologist

   

6.

Taxidermist

   

7.

Special Effects Technician

   

8.

Veterinarian

   

9.

Industrial Designer

   

10.

Desktop Publisher

   

11.

Carpenter

   

12.

Tilesetter

   

13.

Sign Maker

   

14.

Welder

   

15.

Boilermaker

   

16.

Fashion Designer

   

17.

Animator

   

18.

Jeweler

   

19.

Cartoonist / Comic Illustrator

   

20.

Craftsperson

   

21.

Potter

   

22.

Marine Biologist

   

23.

Glazier

   

24.

Pet Groomer

   

25.

Actor

   

26.

Plumber

   

27.

Autobody Repairer

   

28.

Cabinetmaker

   

29.

Zoologist

   

30.

Animal Breeder

   

31.

Electronics Assembler

   

32.

Arborist

   

33.

Pipefitter

   

34.

Director

   

35.

Bricklayer / Stonemason

   

36.

Construction Tradesperson

   

37.

Steamfitter

   

38.

Ecologist

   

39.

Sprinkler System Installer

   

40.

Drywaller

Tags:

It's been 1 year, 3 months and 24 days...

  • Sep. 14th, 2007 at 3:55 PM
Dance

Since I graduated from college. And I finally have a job! I start Tuesday. Feels good.

Tags:

Thanks life.

  • Sep. 12th, 2007 at 12:01 AM
black
 I don't think I've ever felt more alone. Funny thing is, I have more friends now than I've ever had in my life. Isn't it great how life works out?

Tags:

Fuzzy predator

  • Sep. 9th, 2007 at 1:28 AM
black
 I was out in my drive way today when I heard one of our roosters making some noise from the garden. I looked over and his tail was all fanned out (he's a phoenix chicken so he has a big fancy tail) I thought it was cute but wasn't sure why he was doing it until I noticed something slinking just outside the far edge of the garden fence. It was Tiger! Tiger is this feral cat in our neighborhood that I've befriended. He'll come around every now and then and we'll play and I'll give him a good head scratch and some cat food. He always brightens my day when I get to see him 'cause he's such a sweetheart and it always amazes me that a wild cat can be so friendly.  When I saw him in the yard I called out to him and he came running over and was so happy to see me. I just love cats, they're such wonderful creatures. They're so expressive and communicative. They make me happy. 

Here's an old picture of Tiger:

 

Tags:

I wish I could taste things.

  • Sep. 2nd, 2007 at 7:10 PM
Chi wall
 I think I enjoy cooking too much. I'm really sick right now and can't taste anything, yet I proceeded to make myself a chicken sandwich with mozzarella, tomato sauce and basil pesto mayo on toasted french bread. I made the pesto myself from basil we have in our garden. I think it tasted pretty good. Not really sure.

Tags:

Infected.

  • Aug. 27th, 2007 at 11:25 PM
Dance
Last night there was music playing and I was dancing a little bit. Not much. But my friend Mike asked me, "When did you become such a dancin' fool?" And I told him: "Austin." And he nodded at me knowingly. 'Cause he was there. He knows.

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